To My Wife's Ex-Boyfriend

by Ashley Cox

Hey Jeremy,
So my wife and I were talking about you again, the whole ex-boyfriend thing in college. It’s always a weird conversation when you come up. I mean, all her old boyfriends are weird conversation topics, but you hold a special place, I think. Anyway I just wanted to thank you for being an idiot.
Not just an idiot though, but an arrogant ladies’ man bragging about the girls he has schooled. That was really smooth. And all your subtle remarks about losing weight, and better hair, and jasmine perfume, really hit the mark. She really appreciated you telling her what a real woman looks like. I know she especially appreciated the fat jokes and being poked to show her where the fat was. And speaking of looking beautiful, I know your bruising hands made her more confident in her body, especially the bruise on her shoulder, the one that showed how fat your fingers are.
Yes, and thank goodness you never gave her gifts. I mean, what would she have done with them, anyway? It's not like she was used to getting daffodils or Oreos, not till I came along, at least. Besides, like you told her, you saved all that money by just giving her the precious gift of your time. Such a good idea.
And thanks for enjoying making her cry. That really worked too. Does laughing at the mascara stains as they appear always makes you feel like a real man? I’ve never felt that way, but you must have ‘cause you did it so often.
And just between you and me, man, it's lucky you were so good at twisting reason on its head. I mean, convincing her that her father was just jealous of your relationship with her was a good move. She really fell for it because she was only nineteen and didn't know that debating actually means winning every argument by force.
But you know, you might have actually had a chance with her. Like she actually thought she saw something worthwhile in you. Of course she's the one who dumped you, so I guess not. Sorry, dude. She told me again about the conversation you had, you know the one, about how if she didn't marry you she'd never get married at all, ‘cause no one else would take her. It makes it kinda awkward now. I mean, she got married so much faster than you, and she's still married even after your second divorce. Bummer that you can't keep up your act.
But that's for being such a bastard. Think how much safer she'd feel if she hadn't met you, or how easily she would have dated half-decent men who weren’t worth much of her time. Whatever, though – I might never have caught her attention with all the daffodils and Oreos if she had been used to getting them.
Anyway, I really hope you’re doing okay. After all the stories my wife has told me, I think you need some help or something. You should come over for dinner some time. I could show you a few things.

Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Husband