Hey
Jeremy,
So
my wife and I were talking about you again, the whole ex-boyfriend
thing in college. It’s always a weird conversation when you come
up. I mean, all her old boyfriends are weird conversation topics, but
you hold a special place, I think. Anyway I just wanted to thank you
for being an idiot.
Not
just an idiot though, but an arrogant ladies’ man bragging about
the girls he has schooled. That was really smooth. And all your
subtle remarks about losing weight, and better hair, and jasmine
perfume, really hit the mark. She really appreciated you telling her
what a real woman looks like. I know she especially appreciated the
fat jokes and being poked to show her where the fat was. And speaking
of looking beautiful, I know your bruising hands made her more
confident in her body, especially the bruise on her shoulder, the one
that showed how fat your fingers are.
Yes,
and thank goodness you never gave her gifts. I mean, what would she
have done with them, anyway? It's not like she was used to getting
daffodils or Oreos, not till I came along, at least. Besides, like
you told her, you saved all that money by just giving her the
precious gift of your time. Such a good idea.
And
thanks for enjoying making her cry. That really worked too. Does
laughing at the mascara stains as they appear always makes you feel
like a real man? I’ve never felt that way, but you must have ‘cause
you did it so often.
And
just between you and me, man, it's lucky you were so good at twisting
reason on its head. I mean, convincing her that her father was just
jealous of your relationship with her was a good move. She really
fell for it because she was only nineteen and didn't know that
debating actually means winning every argument by force.
But
you know, you might have actually had a chance with her. Like she
actually thought she saw something worthwhile in you. Of course she's
the one who dumped you, so I guess not. Sorry, dude. She told me
again about the conversation you had, you know the one, about how if
she didn't marry you she'd never get married at all, ‘cause no one
else would take her. It makes it kinda awkward now. I mean, she got
married so much faster than you, and she's still married even after
your second divorce. Bummer that you can't keep up your act.
But
that's for being such a bastard. Think how much safer she'd feel if
she hadn't met you, or how easily she would have dated half-decent
men who weren’t worth much of her time. Whatever, though – I
might never have caught her attention with all the daffodils and
Oreos if she had been used to getting them.
Anyway,
I really hope you’re doing okay. After all the stories my wife has
told me, I think you need some help or something. You should come
over for dinner some time. I could show you a few things.
Sincerely,
Your
Ex-Girlfriend’s Husband
